Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Thats Right...Biatch!

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of having to drive to the Houston Ship Channel to have my computer fixed. There is more to this story, but it is for another time. Now in this place I was probably the only tie wearing yuppy in a one mile radius. No one whould hear my Calvin Klien wearing craker ass scream. So while a guy named Hung is working on my computer (yeah I know) this punk kid comes walking in the door. He is wearing a black beanie, long jean shorts, and some racial connetation shirt on. Words like, yo, fool, and trippin come pertuding out of his mouth as he converses with everybody in the store, except for me. I finally found a small stool to sit on amidst the graveyard of dead PC's and attempted to not draw attention to myself. While I was sitting on my stool, this kid walked right passed me. To my absolute astonishment when he walked by he said with no accent "Excuse Me Sir" I, feeling pretty cool, replied "Well, Excuse Me", but internally I was saying

Damn right craker, I just killed whitey and busted a cap in some fool that was trippin on my bitch. Yo you have no idea what the street is like fosheezy.

Translation: I had a mocha frappachino at Starbucks, and I appreciate you noticing that I in wearing a suit denote some sort of authority and power.

In any event, I felt cool and old at the same time.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Ah Fridays

Yes it is Friday, Some people look at it as the end of the week. It is even reffered to as the weekEND; however, this is not for me. With the taste of stale beer still lingering in my mouth from a Thursday night of saying I will take it easy, I look to Friday as a new beginning, the beginning of the weekend, the beginning of hardcore partying, and just a beginning to what can and all that is possible. The 5pm chime can be equivicated to that of angels singing and a purging of your soul commences as your step outside those cell doors. As your car drones through traffic each white line represents you being that much closer to your beginning. It is time to move on. Past a day, past a week, past a month, and quite possibly past a year of trials. irritations, and dissapointments. We must sieze this opportunity of freedom and exploit it to its maximum. Friday a time to move on.

Friday...drink it...live it....breathe it...

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Thursdays are for Young People

It has recently come to my attention that there is a line between the old and the young. Yes my friends there is no general fade into either catagory, but specific discernable leaps. This leap is one of the first steps. There is no specific age. It can come at either 20 or 50. The onset of old age is a relative term that knows no age, no race, and no gender. My friends, I am talking about the ritual of Thursday night. In our college years we were introduced the beauty that is going out on a Thursday night. It is a show of defiance, it is a show of independence, and it is a damn good time. When you are finally out of eden and into the desert of corporate wandering for 40 years, the mecca of Thursday nights still remains a pillar of youth. Not that a person must go out EVERY thursday night, but the feeling of wanting to must be in your bones. There are other steps in becoming old, but this is one of the first gates to fall to the barbarians that will eventually come in and destroy all that is left of your screaming inner youth.

And that means, I am going out tonight.

Monday, July 18, 2005

A wave of Panic

So thoughout this summer I have been basically chilling out. Sure, I have been saying to myself how hard Law School is going to be and how much work it will require; however, today was very different. Do to my curiousity I accessed the school web page to see what was new. The initial class assignments were posted. I clicked on some that could very well be my professors. My eyes went wide with terror. Sure I can read, Sure I can even brief a case (at least get the format right), but having to read all those rules? For instance 12.01-12.08? What do I do with them? Do I memorize them? Do I put them in an outline? The pressure is most certianly building, and it is not the pressure that I have been experiencing. It is something diffrent. I don't know yet, but it is different. It is just time to begin. That is all there is to it. I am sitting at my table in the middle of the hall torturing myself with how hard it is going to be. I don't want the time to stew in such thinking. I'm ready to go.

High School Throw Back (Not as fun as invisioned)

This past weekend a few of my friends from college decided to recreate what was once the joy of high school partying. Now, for those of y'all from Houston, you have probably ended up at Sam Houston Race Track at least once in your high school days to listen to some Texas Country Music singer that you couldn't listen to live in most places becasue you were to young to gain entry into the bar. In any event, Cross Canadian Ragweed was playing here, and my friends and I decided why not? Lets go. So we did what anybody recreating high school partying would do. We threw on the boots and jeans (ok so I wear this anyway, but not with the jeans cut up around the boot, come'on ya know what I am talking about) and cowboy hats. We rushed to the corner store to purchase cigarettes and Copenhagen. Granted this was not as fun as when we could not actually purchase such products, but we tried to pretend we were under. We then bought some beer, ok at this point we were realizing that you can never recreate high school, and in most ways we were very thankful. So we drank up, and drank some more. We drank as much as we thought we could in high school, we then realized this was not even close enough for us to feel it now, and continued to drink. We then arrived at the concert. You may ask who drove? Well, as all of y'all know high school partying consists of drinking in the car, so we had a driver not drink and the rest of us got after it. We arrived, kicked some beer cans out of the car and were off to the front gates. The line was long, and was full of little people. Their total combinded age was probably 21. This was not as enjoyable as seeing some high school kid fall down and totally eat it on the concrete. All this guys friends gathered around, started yelling (but not yelling) at the kid and they quickly gathered him up and threw him in the bed of their truck. I was rolling with laughter. I lit a cig thinking that high school kinda sucked. So we entered the track after paying 8 bucks (it used to be 3) to the sound of a 1000 girls voices screaming how great it was to see one another. My friends and I quickly ran to the restroom, and then to the beer line. At this point we bought two beers at a time and put one in the back pocket. We were old and came to that realization. Might as well have some fun. So a buddy goes up to a girl (Hopefully 18) and says. "Say, do you know how much a polar bear weighs? " "I have no idea" "Enough to break the ice I am (incert name)" She looked at him like one would look at wolf eat a baby. Appauled she just stumbled away. My friend thought it was histarical. We made our way through the 1,000 person crowed to catch a glimpse of the concert, and when we were walled off by 13 year olds we gave up. Now here is the kicker. We were talking amongst ourselves, which none of us thought we were being crude, when a 15 year old kid walks up to one of us and asks if we would stop using the F-word, it is offending her little sister. Astonished we agreed and soon decided that it was time to leave. We were falsely accused by a freshmen in high school. Great. We left and went to the bar in Rice Villiage where we procceeded to drink very heavily and watched two chicks get into a fight and beat themselves down with their purses.

Moral of the story...Fuck High School...Being older is so much better it cannot be expressed in words.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

I Hate Lawyers...At least that is what I'm told

As most people know, when you are out drinking with your friends, or just out for that matter, you tend to strike up conversations volentairly or unvolentairly with people that are also out. Most of the times these conversations are plesant, but are quickly forgotten before you even leave. This is fine. This is expected. Sometimes the conversations go a tad deeper, and the other person asks what you do....Now, I am a very ethical person. I will go to extremes not to lie, and I am known to do as such, but I may begin to start lying. Here is why...This is a mock conversations between me, and just about everybody else that asks. I will cut to the mimddle of the conversation.

Seemingly Nice Person: So what do you do?
Bootstraps: I am a student

Seemingly Nice Person: Oh yeah what do you study?
Bootstraps: Well, I am a Law Student

Jackass: Are you kidding we don't need any more lawyers.
Bootstraps: (Laughs Politely) Well man you are probably right

Jackass: (Obviously very irritated) Seriously, I hate all lawyers, they are blood sucking, no good, lying, sacs of elephant dung.
Bootstraps: (Trying to play it off laughs again, but getting angry)

Jackass: Man, I thought you were cool, but obviously I was wrong. You are probably thinking of ways to sue me right now. What if I punch you in the face? You want to sue me then? I tell you Lawyers are the reason America is going to shit.
Bootstraps: HAHA (Swears this is the last time He will laugh trying to play it off)

Jackass: Sac of crap...
Bootstraps: Listen you ignorant little prick. Who is the first person you go whining too when things don't go your way? Who is first person you call when you get your drunk ass thrown in jail? Who is the first person you call when you get stiffed on a payment? It is not your momma. It is not your best friend. It is your lawyer. So you better sit there, shut up and drink your beer.

Jackass: (Suprised) You are going to make a good lawyer
Bootstraps: Thanks

I think I am going to say that I am going to say that I am a systems analyst for some computer company. Even though I don't know a thing about computers at least they will say oh thats cool and move on with the conversation.

And he was right. I was thinking of ways to sue him.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

A Midsummer nights Blues (Act 2)

Take heart. There is hope and a way to break out of this vicious cycle of electronic hell.


We come home from our dismal day being constantly reminded of our virtual prision with no bars by the constant click sentery. Here is our chance to break free, and it is all up to you. Thats right for a brief second a day the world opens up an opportunity for us to escape. Don't turn on the TV! Or check your Email from your home computer. Or play a game on your PDA!


But then what? What now? I am scared. I have no idea what to do now. I am bored. I am tired. Escape from a prison with no walls is not as easy as one with bars. We are so detached from who we are and what we like to do that we have no idea what we want. This is not easy, and everybody's escape route is different. Once aware that you are in prison it may be easier to escape.


Click,Click, Click back to Click. You have thought about it and reasoned that prision is not so bad after all, and you turn back because it is hard. Power On


Then there are the few...The ones who were not meant to be invisibly chained to a portal looking at life rather than experiencing it for ones self. These people will spend the rest of their lives attempting to break free of such bondage. Attempting to out run the death march.


They understand that click is apart of life, but NOT LIFE. They put there time in clicking and clicking, but stop the madness when the clouds part for that one instant. They sieze the opportunity to experience what they can and indulge in what they choose. They are free.

Click, Click, Click, Click, Click

A Midsummer nights Blues (Act 1)

Click, Click, Click, Click...This is the sound of my existence...Click, Click, Click, Click....Peoples voices go mute, birds quit chirping, coffee pots stop brewing and when the big one finally hits it will come to the sound of Click, Click, Click, Click.

For those of y'all that work for the good of American commerce than you know this sound all too well. For those of you who don't, I will explain. This is the sound of a keyboard. Yes a keyborad. Who would have thought that such a simple product would soon sound out the death march towards the death of the American soul.

A DEATH MARCH?! Towards what you may be asking yourself. A death march toward the tiny white light and I am not refering to heaven. I am refering to a computer monitor, and the computer itself. Day in and day out we stare at this screen. At first we hate it. Click, Click, I need some coffee to get out of this seat and talk to the Starbucks lady...Click, Click...man I am busy right now I hope no one bothers me. Click, Click, Click...No i don't want to see them in person, tell them to email me..Click,CLICK,CLICK,CLICK. (The lights go dim and it is only you and the computer.) CLICK,CLICK,CLICK , AHHHHHHHHHHH....Make it stop.

We stare at far away places on the internet, and read of far off adventures wishing we could do the same. Then as soon as that feeling passes we shut it down, and head home. Where we immeditely turn on the TV to keep us entertained. After a day of staring at screens for work, we then turn on screens for our own pleasure. A constant feed of electronic medocrity that sustains our existence Monday through Friday, 8-5, if you are lucky it is that small.

The American Soul of rugged individualism is dying not to the sound of bombs, or guns, but to the sound of click.

And so it goes...so it goes

Click, Click, Click, Click

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

How the Supreme Court Should Be

It is my opinion that ol' Geroge Dubya should appoint not a person of interllectual greatness or of sound judicial training, but a person with a sound voice for partying, and a flare for the finer thinigs in life. In short I believe I should be considered to replace Sandra Day O'Conor to the Supreme Court. Now pay attention this is important.

The Supreme Court needs a breath of youth in and among its ranks. Seriously how can people my age get a fair hearing about Social Security if everybody on the bench is over 70 YEARS OLD! It is also my opnion that there needs to be Mandatory Margarita Mondays at lunch for the in session supreme court. This will help loosen up the Supreme Court in making decisions that will effect this entire nation. If the founding fathers can write a constitution to sustain a nation for more that 200 years well under the influence of alcohol, then by gollie our 9 justices are deserving of some booze. They should be REQUIRED. Just imagine Reinquist leading a Congo line across the bench without any pants on to hand down decisions from this countries highest court. I sure would feel better about losing if I was so entertained. Why stop there. Why not have Killer Keg Fridays where all of capitol hill can join in the chambers! Dubya can stop in wearing a hawiian shirt for a bit, and Dick Cheney can hold John Kerry's feet for a keg stand! This is bi-partisianship, even TEAMWORK, at its finest. Imagine the unison. "I love you man's" will be heard across the isles, and there will finally be happiness in congress. All of this, if I am appointed to the Supreme Court.

From my perch I will set up the court very closely to that of a game show with leavers that will drop contestents , I mean opposing parties, down into a pit full of plastic balls if I don't like their arguments. Instead of water pitchers at each table there will be pitchers of beer, and waitresses wearing small shorts, waiting on the tables. There will also be an ample supply of peanuts and buffalo wings.

This could greatly help our nation to loosen up about some issues that need to be loosened up about. Not that I am arguing for apathy or passivity, but for a more relaxed attitude when things don't go your way. So, instead of gaining hatred for the other party involved, you can just grab a beer off the table and say "Here's to ya" You will then proceed to get wasted with the opposing party and realize that y'all had more in common than you previously thought, perhaps even use an ADR to solve your issues.

Beauty my fellow Americans, Beauty,
And I am not doing much the next few years, just going to law school, no biggie. What not a better place to learn than the Supreme Court? So George W. Bush, I am ready and willing to accept my appointment to the US Supreme Court.

Thank You

A Doctors Visit

So, I have been sick for the last few weeks. Not real sick, but ya know, just not all the way right. So, i went to the doctor to get checked out. This is what transponded.

Walk into the office and towards the front window.

Bootstraps: Hi how are you?
Lady at Counter: Doing just fine, Are you Mr. Straps?

BS:Yes I am
LAC: Ok, good here is some paper work you need to check over. Cross anything out and let me know if it is wrong
BS: Ok

(I look down and see under gender that I am female, for the record I am not female)

BS: Excuse me, but Im not female
LAC: No your not, but that is what the paper says
BS: Yes I know that
LAC: Why did you say you were female earlier?
BS: I didn't, I think one of your workers made a mistake in putting in my info
LAC: Are you sure you didn't say female.
BS: Pretty sure ma'am
LAC: Ok then fill this out and we will call you in a minute

(I have a seat and begin to flip through my How to Suceede in Law School Book (it gives me a false sense of security which I like, and I wish i could spell)

(I am then called in)

(I am then thrown in a room nothing out of the ordinary, but then a kid not 2 years older than me with spiked hair and a white lab coat comes in)

Kid in Lab Coat: Where do you feel any pain?
BS: In my stomach
KILC: Quickly writes something down

(He then grabs my arm...not saying a word and throws a cuff around it to take my blood pressure. Mind you he says nothing. Then jams a thermometer in my mouth...NOT SAYING A WORD TO EVEN OPEN MY EFFING MOUTH. I am starting to giggle now. This is obvioiusly some med school student who is treating me like a cadavor!)

BS: Um ya know I am not a Cadvour, and I can hold a conversation. I can even respond to questions and laugh at jokes.
KILC: Oh ok

BS: Are you in med school?
KILC: Yes,
BS: Figures

He finishes up and doesn't say another word

Then about 5 min later a nurse walks
Nurse: How arrre ya tiday (This is a scotish accent so read her dialog in a scotish accent)
BS: Well, I am doing just fine

Nurse: Gooooed. Now what seems to be the problem

I discribe the problem and the pain in my stomach.

BS: So where are you from I know you get this question alot
Nurse: Well, I am from Scotland, but was was schooled by Irish nuns till I was 17 years old
BS: Ah that is, well interesting
Nurse: YAh it is...Take down your pants, get on the table, while I put on a glove and lube it up?
BS: Ummm ok
(Internal nonlog... What the Fuck is going on, I am about to have a finger stuck in my ass by a 50 year old scotish women who was raised by Irish nuns! Fuck get me out of here!)
(Nurse rolls me over and sticks a finger well ya know in the rectum)

Nurse:Allright thaaank ye
BS: Um yeah your welcome

The nurse then leaves

The main doc comes in

Doc:Hello sir,
BS: Hello

Doc: So it says here you are constepated
BS: Um no not really

Doc: How often do you say you are constepated?
BS: I am not really consepated

Doc: Is your stool real hard when you are constepated?

Doc: Due to your constepation, i think you have Irritable Bowel Syndrone
(I think to myself...Because you irritate me jackass)
BS: (Having given up) Oh yeah what can I do about it?

Doc: Well, nothing really do you want to be in a study?
BS: Ummm no not really

Doc: Let me take you down the hall to talk to my wife. She runs the research study
BS: ummm Ok

(Leads me down the hall)

Doc: Here is my wife ....Something I forgot her name...Have a good day and good luck with your constepation...
BS: (Internal Monolog...Effing Quack)

Wife: Hi,
BS: Hey

Wife: Well, let me read you a few questions to see if you qualify for the study
BS: Great....

Wife: Are you constepated?

Wife: Does it alternate with Diherreah?

Wife: How many time are you constepated a week?
BS: None

Wife: Why did my husband send you down here if you arent constepated and have IBS?
(Internal Monolog: Becasue your husband is an Effing Quack)
BS: I have no idea

Wife: Well, you don't qualify for the study
BS: I didn't want to be in the study

Wife: Then why are you here?
BS: No Idea

Wife: Well, have a good day.
BS: Yup, will do

I got better a week later... I love scotish women.

Friday, July 01, 2005

The Movie Industry

According to some recent research, the movie industry is down 16% from last summer. This is the lowest it has been since sometime in the mid seventies. I think that it is very obvious why this is happening.

1) The movies are absolutely terrible. I mean come'on a remake of Herbie the Love Bug? What blows me away is that there are thousands of writers trying to make it big by selling a well written, thought out script, but instead are being passed over by War of the Worlds or some other atrocioius movie. Pathetic. If the movie doesn't explode and send CG creators massive amounts of work, then the movie is not worth making. Either that or some movie that appeals to teenage girls that suck anyway. The movie industry has become 100% focused on money, instead of what made the movie industry great...Art...As of right now the Art of Movie making is Dead.

2) The other reason which would be enough in its own right is that Actors are talking pieces of garbage. They think since they play a politican or a doctor then they are qualified to conduct themselves in that matter. Very few have even set foot on a college campus let alone graduate. It down right irritates me to know end how presumptios and arrogant these actors can be., however, if you notice any of the actors that are well educated tend to keep their mouth shut when it comes to political and societal debates. Apparently with education comes wisdom. So, even if the movie production companies happen to let a good movie out of their studio an actor can kill it dead by mouthing off.

All I know is that I have recently renewed my library card, and am better for it.

Irritating Douches

It has recently come to light that some men were not meant to wield the testostorone chraged banner of heterosexuality. There are many manifestations of this fact, but when two are put together in one person the antagonizing irritation becomes accute. I was at the bar last night for Aggie Happy hour. Basically Aggies from around town find a bar to take over for the night once a month. For those of you who do now know, Aggies are traditionally conservative people in terms of clothing and political views. We do booze it up quite frequently. Anyway, I am sitting at the table with a few friends, with a good view at the door when along comes in this.

A douche, wearing a pink polo, collar popped, bowlingish shoes, and a sideways white cap comes fag stepping through the door. I am in shock and disbelief. How could this person ever have survived Texas A&M? I quickly start to reason out this ambiguity in my mind. May be he only acted like this in Houston? Perhaps he lost a bet?

Now this bar we were patronizing is not a high flyin trendy bar. It is a beer and darts kinda place with may be a wiskey mixed in for good measure. To my horror Captin Douche of the Douche Bag club goes up to the bar and orders some type of pink drink with an umbrella in it. I'm not one to judge prematurely, but this was not prematurely because I had already judged him when he walked in the door, and this pink concocture only served to excerbate my feelings of hostility. His friends, yes he actaully had some, were kinda dressed like him, but even they knew the individual had gone to far. When asked hey why did you order that girly drink his answer was "Because it matched my PINK SHIRT!" SON OF A !@#$% what a douche.

Then I heard words of redemption from one of the friends "Damn man, if you had gone to Texas A&M they would have killed you on sight"

I felt better, and I oredered another Miller Lite longneck.

Fucking Douchebag

I apologize for the unhumorous or insightful post. This guy is just a douche

Older Women???

I have recently stumbled upon quite a startling observation Older women. Very interesting phenomonem I must say. Please undenderstand when I say older women I am refering to women that are 24 and older. Yes, I realize that this is not old, but since I am fresh out of college they are to me. IN ANY EVENT, I would like to share with the world a few of these observations about these creatures, and may be we can come to understand them more.

When girls go off to college they gain 15 pounds...When girls get out of college they gain another 15

Thier boobs get bigger, but are not saggy like Real Old women

They actually give men attention

Alot of attention

Matter of factly they will come up to you buy you a drink and hit on YOU!

They will ask if they can spend the night at your place.

I guess they are just more aggresive than I am used to with an undoubtly older apperence. Just will take some getting used to I suppose...

It is an observation take it or leave it