Tuesday, July 05, 2005

A Doctors Visit

So, I have been sick for the last few weeks. Not real sick, but ya know, just not all the way right. So, i went to the doctor to get checked out. This is what transponded.

Walk into the office and towards the front window.

Bootstraps: Hi how are you?
Lady at Counter: Doing just fine, Are you Mr. Straps?

BS:Yes I am
LAC: Ok, good here is some paper work you need to check over. Cross anything out and let me know if it is wrong
BS: Ok

(I look down and see under gender that I am female, for the record I am not female)

BS: Excuse me, but Im not female
LAC: No your not, but that is what the paper says
BS: Yes I know that
LAC: Why did you say you were female earlier?
BS: I didn't, I think one of your workers made a mistake in putting in my info
LAC: Are you sure you didn't say female.
BS: Pretty sure ma'am
LAC: Ok then fill this out and we will call you in a minute

(I have a seat and begin to flip through my How to Suceede in Law School Book (it gives me a false sense of security which I like, and I wish i could spell)

(I am then called in)

(I am then thrown in a room nothing out of the ordinary, but then a kid not 2 years older than me with spiked hair and a white lab coat comes in)

Kid in Lab Coat: Where do you feel any pain?
BS: In my stomach
KILC: Quickly writes something down

(He then grabs my arm...not saying a word and throws a cuff around it to take my blood pressure. Mind you he says nothing. Then jams a thermometer in my mouth...NOT SAYING A WORD TO EVEN OPEN MY EFFING MOUTH. I am starting to giggle now. This is obvioiusly some med school student who is treating me like a cadavor!)

BS: Um ya know I am not a Cadvour, and I can hold a conversation. I can even respond to questions and laugh at jokes.
KILC: Oh ok

BS: Are you in med school?
KILC: Yes,
BS: Figures

He finishes up and doesn't say another word

Then about 5 min later a nurse walks
Nurse: How arrre ya tiday (This is a scotish accent so read her dialog in a scotish accent)
BS: Well, I am doing just fine

Nurse: Gooooed. Now what seems to be the problem

I discribe the problem and the pain in my stomach.

BS: So where are you from I know you get this question alot
Nurse: Well, I am from Scotland, but was was schooled by Irish nuns till I was 17 years old
BS: Ah that is, well interesting
Nurse: YAh it is...Take down your pants, get on the table, while I put on a glove and lube it up?
BS: Ummm ok
(Internal nonlog... What the Fuck is going on, I am about to have a finger stuck in my ass by a 50 year old scotish women who was raised by Irish nuns! Fuck get me out of here!)
(Nurse rolls me over and sticks a finger well ya know in the rectum)

Nurse:Allright thaaank ye
BS: Um yeah your welcome

The nurse then leaves

The main doc comes in

Doc:Hello sir,
BS: Hello

Doc: So it says here you are constepated
BS: Um no not really

Doc: How often do you say you are constepated?
BS: I am not really consepated

Doc: Is your stool real hard when you are constepated?

Doc: Due to your constepation, i think you have Irritable Bowel Syndrone
(I think to myself...Because you irritate me jackass)
BS: (Having given up) Oh yeah what can I do about it?

Doc: Well, nothing really do you want to be in a study?
BS: Ummm no not really

Doc: Let me take you down the hall to talk to my wife. She runs the research study
BS: ummm Ok

(Leads me down the hall)

Doc: Here is my wife ....Something I forgot her name...Have a good day and good luck with your constepation...
BS: (Internal Monolog...Effing Quack)

Wife: Hi,
BS: Hey

Wife: Well, let me read you a few questions to see if you qualify for the study
BS: Great....

Wife: Are you constepated?

Wife: Does it alternate with Diherreah?

Wife: How many time are you constepated a week?
BS: None

Wife: Why did my husband send you down here if you arent constepated and have IBS?
(Internal Monolog: Becasue your husband is an Effing Quack)
BS: I have no idea

Wife: Well, you don't qualify for the study
BS: I didn't want to be in the study

Wife: Then why are you here?
BS: No Idea

Wife: Well, have a good day.
BS: Yup, will do

I got better a week later... I love scotish women.


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